“How to….. ” be a Victim

‘How to be a Victim’
Musings on being a “good” victim vs. being a “bad” victim – Or, How you’re kept in ‘your place’ once the abuser is gone

Having lived the nightmare of an abusive relationship for several years, I thought leaving him would be my ticket to freedom – Freedom to behave in whichever way I wanted.

I’m not talking about wild things. Mostly, just not having to justify my every move, or behaviour, – autonomy over my own body. It seemed an amazing prospect, I could go where I wanted to go, dress in whatever way I felt comfortable, and on the most basic level, not being told how to feel.

When my abuser felt bad, everyone else had to feel bad! When he was angry with someone or something, no one else was allowed to be happy either. When he flew into rage, and I got the brunt end of it, my day was ruined, irrespective of what I had planned, or whether I had gotten up, feeling like today could’ve been a good day.

More importantly, however, if on the day following an abusive or violent episode, he determined that now he felt like having a good time, I had to follow suit. If he decided he wanted to carry on the aggression for two or three days in a row, the same was true.

It didn’t matter, whether I was still hurt, bruised, and tired, if he decided that ‘yesterday was in the past’, and I needed to ‘get the f!ck over it’, I did! I couldn’t afford to hold a grudge, or be upset, when he decided I didn’t have a right to do so. Equally, if something else happened in my life, or I got sick, and I wanted to cry, often I wasn’t allowed, or couldn’t, because vulnerability left me open to more abuse, or ridicule.

So in short, my emotions were monitored and my feelings controlled.

Leaving him, would mean regaining ownership and control over my feelings. Right? Right!? …

Wrong!

The ensuing court battles within the family courts, the dealings with the police and subsequent contact with CPS mean, I still don’t “own” my emotions. Wherever I turn, there are rules for me to follow, arbitrary unfathomable etiquette’s to adhere to, and enigmatic guidelines, on which emotions I should display, at any given time.

Being a “good victim”, according to the ladies and gentlemen in law enforcement, Crown Prosecution Service, and the Courts, isn’t simply being a victim of crime, and reporting said event.

No! One must fit into a certain set of criteria, say the correct things to go alongside ones statement, as well as display the correct amount of emotion (and trauma) whilst doing so.

The largely under-trained police officers, for instance, often require you to not only behave in a prescribed manner, to recognise you as a “real” victim, they also prefer you to use certain ‘key words’, in order to trigger the correct response. If you’re in shock, and perhaps too calm, if your coping mechanism is minimisation, or you’re simply confused and overwhelmed, you most likely won’t say those, and give a “good enough” statement.

When dealing with the Police, ideally, you must report incidences as soon as they happen, in order to be taken serious. Anyone who has been a victim of Domestic Abuse knows, how this is intrinsically difficult, if not impossible, but still, if you report things as “crime in progress” – Boom!, you’re on the road to being a “good victim”. Anyone who has done even a minute amount of research into rape and DV, knows however, that victims often do not come forward until years later, and yet, reporting “historic allegations” is always going to result in some sort of disbelief.  Now, the Police should be trained in responding to Domestic Abuse ( how successful that has been can be read in various other posts on this blog), so even if you don’t report incidences right away,  but after you have, let’s say, fled to safety somewhere, you should still be considered a good victim. This is not necessarily the case.

If you start bothering the authorities with “historic” events, you want to make sure you have compiled your own bundle of evidence, if you want a chance at being taken serious. It is important, when describing incidents, that you describe how you felt at the time, perhaps reliving the emotion you went through, whilst giving your statement.
For most of the officers I have encountered, it is not (good) enough to say, ‘I have been the victim of a crime, I have been assaulted, I have been hurt, I was crying, I said no, I am traumatised, I am still hurting’. Unless you phrase your ‘ complaint ‘ as a serious DV assault, which left you in fear for your life, scared to death, and a quivering wreck, it is likely that even (evidence and/or pictures of) prominent bruises aren’t enough to get the attention of the folks at your local police station, because you simply don’t “act” the part.

When I was living in my abusive relationship, I didn’t realise how much I had become accustomed to living under constant anxiety, under constant threat, and with the knowledge that, at any point, and through no fault of my own, the situation could escalate dramatically. I didn’t realise, how often I was scared for my life, how often my heart was racing, how often I walked home, or into a room with the sense of impending doom in the pit of my stomach.

I had grown so used to dealing with it, coping with it, and telling myself it was ok, that I found it very hard to be emotional, and emotively descriptive when I gave statements to the police. When I was with him, I couldn’t afford to be weak, or vulnerable, crying didn’t help me (on the contrary, it usually only made matters worse), and telling him I was scared or upset, ended in ridicule. So I had gotten used to NOT saying these things.  When dealing with the police, usually mere hours after an assault, however, they treated me as though, surely, it can’t have been as bad as I was describing it, if I wasn’t crying and uncontrollably shaking whilst talking about, irrespective of the fact, that when I had run away, or fled to safety, that is how I felt. In their eyes, I did not seem a good enough victim, to even try to help me.

Talking about being raped by him, in front of strangers, usually happens without emotion. I can’t ,and I don’t want to cry in front of complete strangers, whether police officers, court clerks, counsellors, or barristers. Smiling through years of abuse, and reassuring everyone that I was fine, when I most certainly was not ‘fine’, did that to me. I still don’t like spreading my business, still don’t want people to see me as a victim, and still don’t want people to see me as wounded. Emotions, be that anger, fear, anxiety or sadness make us vulnerable, and I try, wherever possible, to not be vulnerable anymore.

Telling someone that I was beaten, choked, and eventually strangled with a belt whilst being raped, without hysterically sobbing, therefore, apparently makes me a “bad victim“.

The jury likes to see emotion, they say.

The jury likes to see how it affected you, they tell me.

Being strong in Crown Court, doesn’t do you any favours, I’m told.

Do they not realise that breaking down, and falling apart, and subsequently having to put yourself back together, takes so much more effort, than not giving into it? Do they not realise that faking a smile takes inordinately less effort, than crying, which is incredibly draining? Do they not realise that memories of the traumatic sort, are incredibly vivid and painful to relive?

Do they really not realise that on the rare occasion, I DO give into it, I struggle lifting myself out of it again? Do people really not realise, that when I end up drinking a bottle of Liquor, with all the consequences on the day after, to wash the pain away, or overdose on prescription strength opiates, sleeping tablets or other prescription medication to drown it all out, the memories are still there the next morning? Unchanged. Falling apart doesn’t make what happened to me go away! On occasion I stand in the shower for hours and scrub myself till my skin bleeds, or burn myself with scalding hot water, because for those five minutes, my skin feels actually clean…But, in the end I feel as dirty as ever, and I suspect, that will only go with time, if ever.

For me, it is easier to not give into the trauma, and keep it securely stored away. I only visit those memories reluctantly, and when I absolutely must. I detach myself as far as I can, and I don’t want to be told, that this is the wrong thing to do. It works just fine for me.

When it comes to the inevitable trauma domestic abuse, and domestic rape inflicts on you, nothing is right or wrong. People cope with trauma and abuse in all sorts of ways, and yet, instead of educating the public and the jury (perhaps by inviting expert witnesses to trials) and judges, we feed their ignorance by reinforcing pathetic stereotypes about who trauma and abuse victims are and how they behave.

What I have going in my favour is my impeccable clean criminal record. Because, you know, a woman with a criminal record doesn’t get beaten… I am also a credible witness because I am highly educated. Because, you know, a woman without formal education is immune from rape, or naturally lies about it. I am congratulated on being articulate. The mere coincidence that my English is deemed acceptable, or indeed, above average, makes me a good witness? Do you realise how pathetic this sounds? Are other foreign women, with fewer English skills than mine, bad witnesses? Less impactive, I’m told. Crying in Spanish, for instance, or Polish, or Urdu, and through an interpreter isn’t as good as crying in English, you see.

Yes! This is just some of the incredible bullshit, people tell me about the “Justice System”, and what it really means, to be a victim.

Going through the Criminal justice system, it is encouraged that you look as vulnerable, as possible, sound as upset and traumatised, as possible, and potentially have professional diagnosis of your Post Traumatic Stress, inflicted through your Domestic Abuse/Domestic Rape.

In the criminal justice system, you are the star act in what can only be described as a perverse circus. It is not the defendant on trial, it is the victim. Whilst the defendant is receiving coaching, various meetings, and at most has some moderately inconveniencing bail conditions imposed on him (unless he is a high profile serial offender already with various previous conviction, in which case he may actually be in custody), the victim is not only unrepresented, since the Prosecuting Barrister is acting on behalf of the public, not, as some believe, for the victim, but often also left in the dark about what to expect, and yet, you are expected to reciprocate in victim-like fashion (i.e. weak and timid) , by blindly trusting the guys with the badge and the cloaks. Asking questions, seeking clarification, expecting any kind of involvement, and indeed complaining about the treatment received in the progress of an investigation, is not only discouraged, it is frowned upon, and occasionally punished.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you end up in the family courts over custody issues for your children, visitation rights, or divorce proceedings where children are involved, you are simply a commodity. You are expendable, you are but a pawn in the game everyone else is playing, and your only valued contribution is your money.

In the family courts no one cares about the “victim”. If you inconvenience them enough, to have endured a crime serious enough to be worthy of their attention, you are expected to behave as though it didn’t happen, after all this isn’t about you, it’s about the children, which in this case, equal possessions, equal money. An incident where you were choked and hit in the face, is described as an “altercation“, another, where you were punched with a baby in your arm, deemed an “argument that got out of hand a little”. If you are head to head with your abuser in family court, crying is seen as weak, post-traumatic stress as a liability, and depression as a welfare hazard for the involved children. So if you are a victim of domestic abuse, you are supposed to be the “Detached Victim”.

The “Detached Victim” presents her case in a business-like manner, factually concise and devoid of any emotion to the judge, who may then pass a ruling on how he feels, the crime ought to have impacted on the victim and her children. The Detached Victim keeps her mental health issues, and medical issues arising directly from the crime, to herself, ‘thankyouverymuch’. Should you develop Depression or PTSD, you may go and ask for help, if you absolutely must, but be careful how much you divulge to your GP, should your abuser decide to try and pass you off, as a “Mental case”. If he is presenting himself well and acts charming enough, they will probably believe him.

If you have managed to breakaway early, they ask:

“But where are the bruises?”
If you breakaway later, they ask:

“Why did you stay, if it was as bad as you say?”

If you breakaway too late, they say:

“Why did you stay? You have failed you children! You are a terrible mother!”

And so it goes on, whilst the abusers human rights are held to higher regards, than those of his ex-wife and children, and the victim is forever justifying her behaviour in order to please others, keep her children, her sanity, her home, her life, her family …

The truth is, for some of us, it never ends. Post separation abuse, is common, post separation traumatisation through the “justice system” incredibly common.

When the relationship ends, we don’t stop being victims. It’s just someone else doing the victimisation, or the facilitating.
Now ask me again, why I didnt report this sooner, and why I stayed.

I dare you.

Rape prevention tips

“Rape Prevention Tips”
For as long as society thinks its ok to tell potential victims they must change certain types of behaviour in order to prevent rape, we have a rape culture, which actively seeks to condone rape, and blame and shame the victim.
Is it a bad and potentially dangerous idea to be in a very short dress, on your own at 3am, and so drunk you’ve forgotten your own name? Probably. But, does that mean that the responsibility for a rape, happening under those kinds of circumstances lies with anyone other than the rapist? Absolutely not.
If you aren’t a regular drinker, you don’t really know how you metabolise alcohol, so could end up more intoxicated than you initially anticipated. That does not mean you make yourself available for anyone to take advantage of you! Drinking is legal. Rape is not.
It is equally entirely allowed to walk, by yourself, after dark. It is permitted to wear revealing clothes, it is permitted to be available for casual sexual intercourse for one person, but not another. It is absolutely legal to say “No”, to someone whom you have had previous sexual encounters with, even If this is a current, or former partner, and it is entirely reasonable to expect those wishes to be respected.
What is not legal, is rape. Society must recognise that we cant created some sort of moral equality between a victim who may have had a drink too much, wore revealing clothes, is known for his or her promiscuity, or refused the sexual advances of her husband. We cannot created moral equality between personal choice, personal freedom, and the potential emotional impact on another person, and rape.
Rape is a despicable act, and the fault lies with the perpetrator only.

Can You Relate?

Ten rape prevention tips:

1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.

2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.

3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.

4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.

5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.

6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.

7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you…

View original post 266 more words

Remember My Name

“REMEMBER MY NAME”

When you remember my walk upon this earth

Look not into my steps with pity.

When you taste the tears of my journey

Notice how they fill my foot prints

Not my spirit

For that remains with me.

My story must be told

Must remain in conscious memory

So my daughters won’t cry my tears

Or follow my tortured legacy.

Lovin’ is a tricky thing

If it doesn’t come from a healthy place,

If Lovin’ Doesn’t FIRST practice on self it will act like a stray bullet not caring what it hits

You may say:

Maybe I should’ve loved him a little less

Maybe I should’ve loved me a little more,

Maybe I should’ve not believed he’d never hit me again.

All those maybes will not bring me back– not right his wrong.

My life was not his to take.

As your eyes glance my name

Understand once I breathed

Walked

Loved

just like you.

I wish for all who glance my name

To know love turned fear – kept me there

Loved twisted to fear,

Kept me in a chokehold

Cut off my air

Blurred my vision I couldn’t see how to break free.

I shoulda told my family

I shoulda told my friends

I shoulda got that CPO

Before the police let him go

But all those shoulda’s can’t bring me back when I lied so well

To cover the shame

To hide the signs.

If my death had to show what love isn’t

If my death had to show that love shouldn’t hurt

If my death had to make sure another woman told a friend instead of holding it in

If my death reminds you how beautiful, how worthy you really are

If my death reminds you to honor all you are daily

Then remember my name

Shout it from the center of your soul

Wake me in my grave

Let ME know

My LIVING was not in vain.

By Kimberly A. Collins

2014

Open letters … On insomnia, and contemplating sanity at 5am

It’s 5:07 AM and I haven’t slept properly in nearly a week now. There is a Crown Court Hearing tomorrow for him to enter his plea and to set a trial date and clearly it’s subconsciously affecting me enough, so I cannot sleep… I’m drained! I’m tired.

Truth be told I’m scared as hell to go to court. I put on a brave face, I smile and I say I’m not worried. But I am. It’s big! I’m worried I’ll have a complete breakdown with all these memories, years of abuse, violence, self doubt, degradation, and humiliation right in front of me – all at once in all it’s overwhelming entity and ugly, harsh reality. This has taken up so much of my life already and leaving HIM wasn’t even nearly the end of it all… People lied! Things did not get better when I left him. And there isn’t even light at the end of the tunnel. Crown Court may well just add to my misery – to the injustice of it all! You read ALL about it , Domestic Abuse and Rape is all over the papers, in the news, on social media… With people politely expressing politically correct statements about what should or shouldn’t happen . Or misogynist assholes outright reaffirming men that women and children are commodities for their amusement and personal use . The harsh reality is that the authorities KNEW about ME. I had tried to get help , I was known to the police, to social services , to the courts . According to a review I told someone as early as April 2012 about being raped, but evidently no one cared enough to intervene. I don’t even remember … I’d rather not remember that part of 2012. But they all watched on as I was used and abused for years, fulfilling my part.. Contributing to the sad statistics.

Oh but now it’s getting real – because I’m forcing them to do their job.

The reality is terrible, isn’t it?

High Risk?

Why, Yes, but not since yesterday, Mr police officer !

The DREAD and nightmare doesn’t end with being abused, nearly choked to death, beaten, threatened…

NO, now I’ve gotta put on a show for the ladies and gentlemen in the jury, be a “good” victim, ” show emotion” , but not too much …, ” be coherent “, ” be eloquent ” …

Fuck you! What if I can’t ? What if I can’t do that? What if I break down and can’t take this shit. What If I just have the meltdown right there in court ? The meltdown I should’ve had years ago? That can’t happen now – I have responsibilities that are bigger than playing your stupid games, abiding by your silly rules.

Imagine walking through, what once was a perfectly organised library. Mahogany shelves , neatly arranged bookcases, polished floors. It’s calm, quiet, ethereal …

I really like books, you know.

Imagine the smell of all those books, all perfectly sorted by genre, category and author. Perfectly sorted in alphabetical order. You can go and find things in a heartbeat, because this is your library. … These are your genres, your stories. You’ve put them all there, you’ve sorted them. There are a few you currently reference from , one or two you’re working on … There is a section at the back, where the kids books are, and then there is a section where all your journals from your teenage years are being kept….

But wait! This is like an earthquake? Now there are books scattered everywhere! Shelves are breaking , are lying broken. There are blood splatters on the perfectly polished floors, the lights are flickering, the windows are wide open and the curtains are flapping wildly! It’s chilly and you can see your warm breath materialising in front of you because the temperature has dropped so suddenly. The wood is creaking, the floorboards are lifting… The scene is disturbing and you’re trying to put your books back in order, but another earthquake shakes the very foundation and now there is complete and utter destruction. Some books are damaged , some lie open and are displaying grotesque images- some show pictures of graphic violence , some show things that make you squirm with shame. Everywhere you look is something you don’t want to see. Books with memories you don’t want to remember. Those are the ones you’ve put right at the back, in the forbidden section. There was a lock on it. You didn’t want to see those. But it’s all right there. Closing your eyes doesn’t help. There’s still this smell… It’s metallic and leaves a funny taste in your mouth. It’s dusty too … The damage is done. It’s not irreparable, you can rebuild with some effort, but try and walk through this library now!

Try and find a book now!! Try and find the good books, maybe the one you’re currently writing and try and not get distracted by the mess! Try and carry on what you were doing in the midst of all that. Maybe … Go hide in the part of your library that hasn’t been affected for a while. The bit that remained largely intact and try and find comfort and respite there. Maybe , if you’re not a librarian and it stops raining you can step outside for a moment and get some fresh air, but if you are, I’m afraid you’ll have to stay. Be aware that you will need to revisit the other section, again and again in order to pick the other books up and clean the mess. Some of those stains may never come out … We could put carpet down. Maybe.

#WhyIStayed – Why leaving domestic abuse is never easy

With Crown Court fast approaching, I am acutely aware of the uncomfortable questions I am going to have to answer soon. I am acutely aware of how I am going to be forced to justify my actions in front of a whole court room full of strangers, and how my movements and actions, conduct and more importantly inactions, are going to be scrutinised, as a jury deliberates over whether my Ex-partner is to be found guilty of seven counts of rape, or not. In the aftermath of the Janay Rice/Palmer assault, which was captured on CCTV and caused her now-husband an indefinite ban from future American Football games, Domestic Violence has been a topic in the media, with many asking “Why did she stay”, and why on earth did she go on to marry him, the day after he was indicted on a third degree aggravated assault charge against her.
Many people struggle to understand why anyone would stay in a violent and abusive relationship, and often come to the secondary conclusion, that the “abuse” can’t have been that bad, if the victim chose to stay, instead of running a mile. I know that, in a few months, I am going to have to answer that question, as I will give testimony of how I was systematically abused, assaulted and raped for years.
Before I was a victim of Domestic Violence, I might have been on the other side of that scenario, I might have sworn blind, I’d never let a man lay a finger on me, and that I’d leave the instant that he did. I would have said I’m a strong woman, asserted that I would never succumb to a man, let alone let him victimise and abuse me! Fast forward seven years, and, well …Ignorance is bliss… as they say. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, and knowing what I know now, I’m aware of just how ignorant and damaging such claims are.

Ask any victim of Domestic Abuse, and they will tell you just how hard leaving, and staying separated, is. One must remember, that abusers aren’t behaving the way ‘normal’ people do- , sometimes because they are clinically disordered, sometimes because their narcissistic, or psychopathic tendencies or personalities won’t allow them to, sometimes and perhaps mostly, simply because they don’t want to. Abusers, generally speaking, aren’t individuals who simply accept the end of a relationship. Quite often they have ‘worked hard’ at establishing control over their victim, and the end of a relationship would mean to lose control, and that is, quite simply, not an acceptable concept to them. So when people say, “Why didn’t she leave?”, they categorically fail to acknowledge the fact, that a lot of victims simply can’t. Domestic abuse often starts, or escalates, only after the relationship is established and some form of commitment has been entered. In many cases, the abuse starts with the couple’s first pregnancy or child, after some form of financial commitment was made (mortgage, car finance, large credit, etc.), or the victim is economically, financially, or emotionally dependent on the abuser. Outsiders often also fail to realise that simply ending the relationship, does not mean that the interactions or contact with the abuser ends. In many cases, victims are stalked, harassed, coerced, manipulated, threatened, or further victimised and assaulted, until returning to the abuser simply seems like the lesser evil. If the couple has children, the nightmare rarely ends for the victim, and her children, as the abuser frequently (ab)uses the children as pawn in his scheme to further inflict pain on his victim, and maintain as much control over her life as possible.

The #WhyIstayed hashtag, which surfaced after the Palmer/Rice media coverage, really hit home, because I realise that as I walk into court as some point in the near future, I will have a group of jurors wondering the exact same thing. Those twelve people will be told the extent of my “allegations” against my Ex-partner, and father of my child, and they will wonder, why I resumed a relationship after having been in court once before, why I remained in a relationship with a man who has injured me to the point of needing Emergency Treatment, and why, after having been brutally raped, I carried on the relationship for another 15 months or so, only for it to happen, over and over again. I realise that for some, the reasoning behind me staying is simply too abstract, that my personal views on what was acceptable and what was not, what I considered safe and what I didn’t may seem skewed and arbitrary at best, and downright unbelievable, pathetic, weak and dumb at worst. Unless one really takes the time, however, to empathetically and critically look into the psychological dynamics and profiles of both perpetrators and victims, most probably will never really understand why anyone would stay.

I had to attend A&E late at night because he’d thrown a wooden brick in my face injuring my eye ( temporary loss of sight, permanent change in vision and shape of my pupil ) and giving me concussion. He harassed, called and text all the way to the hospital, whilst I was waiting, being examined and on the way home. He repeatedly reminded me that my child was with him and to ‘ not do anything stupid ‘ , and I was exhausted and weak from being sick from concussion. The medical treatment took several weeks and I had no support and no where to go. #WhyIStayed

I tried to leave – and he abused and beat me all day. He smashed my head against the wall repeatedly – He broke my phone and sim, disconnected the landline, locked the doors and hid the key. He choked me with a belt that night and raped me, then told me if I tried to leave again he’d kill our child and me . I had no support & nowhere to go. #WhyIStayed

“Domestic Violence is a Crime” – and other lies you might have been told , Part 2

I have written a post about how, despite assertions and several police campaigns that it is, Domestic Violence is NOT actually a crime HERE (click).

I wrote about howcampaigns declaring DV is a crime are misleading, and disappointing for victims who turn to the police for help, only to later painfully find out, that unless you have independent witnesses or evidence, you may as well not bother reporting it, because it will most likely be NFA’d (No further action taken).
Ask any DV victim and they will tell you the same thing, injuries or not, reporting a domestic assault to the police is usually a futile exercise. Furthermore, there is a 6 month time limit on most assaults, so if at the point of reporting one incident, you try and report more incidences, without evidence they would likely only be classed as a Sc.39, and with evidence, if you are lucky, slightly higher, but anything outside of that period, will be dropped straight away.
So you may report a single incident of a domestic assault, domestic rape, or harassment in a DV context, but domestic abuse as such is not a crime, because the period of time, and threatening behaviour, emotional, financial and psychological abuse, usually aren’t considered an offence.
So, Domestic Violence is not a crime.

So, in a recent speech HERE David Cameron said the following:

We are looking very carefully at this. Of course domestic violence is a crime: if you beat someone, if you abuse someone, if you abuse them psychologically, if you stalk someone, if you threaten, those are all individual crimes.There’s a question about whether we need to have a specific offence as well – and we’re very happy to look at that.

It’s a contradiction in itself, and certainly a contradiction to campaigns and posters, such as the above. How is Domestic Violence a crime, when one then goes on to list a number of individual offences, most of which aren’t taken serious by police and prosecutors?

• “If you beat someone“. Yes, assault is a crime of varying degrees. However, you need to be able to prove it. Without proof, it’s like it never happened. ‘Beating someone’ is not the same as Domestic Violence. DV victims where physical violence is a feature are assaulted on average 35 times before they first present at a police station. When I arrived at the police station for the very first time, I had marks around my neck from where he’d choked me, and I’d been assaulted that very day … and nothing happened. I couldn’t prove it was him, all he needed to do was deny it, and that was the end of the matter. So what about those 35 times? I wasn’t asked about previous assaults, because most likely I couldn’t prove those either, so they simply didn’t matter. Domestic Violence, by its very nature, largely happens behind closed doors… so DV victims are in trouble trying to prove these assaults from the beginning.
• “If you abuse someone“. That’s a broad, and pointless key point, as it could mean anything. Sexual abuse, for example, is an offence, physical abuse is an offence – if you can prove it. Domestic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, however,  is not an offence.
• “If you abuse them psychologically“. Really, Mr. Cameron? ‘If you abuse them psychologically‘? Emotional and / or psychological abuse is not considered a crime. If someone continually swears at you in an aggressive manner, you could get away with , perhaps, ‘threatening behaviour’, or harassment (if you can prove it), but other than that, the police do not consider psychological abuse a crime. People may sympathetically nod and listen to you, as you cry over being called a ‘c*nt’ for not serving dinner on time, or fat, ugly, worthless, useless, pathetic, a b!tch, slut,  or whore, etc.but no one is going to do anything about it.
• “If you stalk someone” and “if you threaten” are considered crimes, but not by any stretch of imagination anything that would punish someone for any considerable amount of time, and you need to be lucky enough to find a police officer who is going to want to investigate those issues for you.

The Prime Minister, whilst again making the false claim that DV is considered a crime, acknowledges that DV is actually made up of many individual crimes, but fails to acknowledge that this is the precise problem. You can do all of the above in a context, that isn’t DV related and therefore the DV aspect of it doesn’t really come into the equation.

The reason Domestic Violence needs to be made a crime, Mr. Cameron, is so the perpetrators of domestic abuse are appropriately punished for the period of abuse, during which they have deliberately, and consciously terrorised their victim in various ways, and subjected them to a lifestyle of living under constant threat of assault and/or abuse.

Stating that a DV offender is appropriately vilified by being convicted of a single DV related offence, is hardly befitting of a period of several months or years, during which the victim experienced some form of abuse. This period of time, during which they were exposed to this constant threat is just simply not recognised, and therefore one important aspects of DV is simply neglected.

Time.

Over time, several assaults accrue, whilst the victim becomes used to certain levels of abuse, failing to recognise behaviours as assaults and modifying their own behaviours to escape escalation of the abuse, or physical repercussions. Over time the abuser gets away with more and more, because certain levels of abuse simply become commonplace. Time is how the average 35 assaults can happen, before a victim would think its bad enough to involve the police, or work up the courage to do so.

Over time victims are subjected to repeated, and systematic patterns, of abuse, assaults and threatening behaviour and a couple of single offences are simply never going to reflect the period of abuse, that Domestic Violence really is.

 

The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing – or why an abuser / rapist is never a nice person

 

The article My rapist was a sweetheart (click for link) contains a good point, by way of acknowledging that the rapist is not always ( not even usually ) the violent thug lurking in the shadows. He is not easily recognised by tell tale features or looks, background or even outward charm. Statistics estimate that between 80-90% of rapists, are known to their victims. Between 5-10% of rapes (and sexual assaults) are committed by a relative, up to 30% by either a current or previous intimate partner, and up to 40% by a friend or acquaintance.
Rapists are men from all classes, professions, across all age ranges, throughout all backgrounds, in all nationalities and rapists are not necessarily or even usually mentally ill. To those who know the rapist, they are ordinary men – Sons, brothers, fathers, husbands, friends, and often, they themselves, believe, they are merely expressing a commonly accepted male behaviour. In today’s rape culture many people fail to recognise what actually constiutes rape and sexual assault, and as such men are taking what they feel is rightfully theirs. Rape and sexual assault, however, is rarely about sex, and all about power, and dominance.

There is no such thing, as a typical rapist.No such thing, as “the type” who goes and rapes women.

Contrary to the article, however I don’t agree with calling any rapist a ” sweetheart ” .

Anyone capable of such a despicable act on the body and soul of another human being , has something substantial and fundamentally wrong with them. It is a morally deplorable act, and rapists quite simply don’t care for their victims plight.

I don’t care how talented , loving,  charming or smart the rapist is. It doesn’t matter whether he is wealthy, affluent,  influential or powerful. It doesn’t make a difference whether the rapist is an outwardly loving son, brother , boyfriend , husband or father . It doesn’t matter if he is otherwise gentle, generous or empathetic.
It doesn’t matter if he is all of the above.

Anyone who abuses another human being in this manner , despite his actions prior to the crime is and always will be nothing more than a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

My rapist, to other people, was charming, funny, outgoing, easy going, and witty. He has always had a way with people, women in particular. He built a rapport with people fast paced and readily, always striking a conversation somehow. He was talented at art and music, and at times incredibly generous.

He also choked me on numerous occasions, once with a belt, whilst raping me, he humiliated me on a regular basis, raped and assaulted me, and he has caused me trauma that haunts me to this day.

He is not a nice person, and whatever he may be to those around him right now, he is acting with ulterior motives, and always has done. He is a great manipulator, and he uses and abuses people wherever he goes. Who cares, if he is a talented artist, when he thinks nothing of giving a woman a black eye? Who cares, that he is capable of extreme generosity when it suits HIM, when he believes he has a right to a womans body? Who cares, that under the right circumstances he is the life and soul of the party, when under the wrong circumstances, he chokes another human being to the point of nearly passing out?

Who cares what else he is, when he is a rapist?

A rapist, at the end of the day, has no excuse, no extenuating circumstances for his act. No one can accidently rape another person, do so in self defence, or through mitigating circumstances. It is always a conscious, deliberate decision, and as such show the true colours and criminal potential he really has.

The rapist might act like a sweetheart, but in reality, he is always a depraved criminal.

 

The real face of domestic violence – and how it can hide behind what seems to be a perfectly good relationship.

The real face of domestic violence .

It is estimated that there were 12.9 million incidents of domestic violence acts against women in the UK in 2013, and one project is aiming to throw the disturbing realities of the crime into the spotlight – all by using our favourite cartoon characters.

By using well known cartoon couples who lead a seemingly ordinary life , a happy relationship with no more than the occasional argument , artist Alexsandro Palombo, with his “No Violence Against against women” project, tries to raise awareness that Domestic Violence is not only a widespread problem, which can happen to pretty much anyone ( amongst all religions , races , classes etc ) but that the outward portrayal and depiction of a happy family isn’t always as it seems, and certainly is not an indicator that all is well.

Victims often face scepticism or disbelief , when they finally find the courage to come forward, with a common reason for the cynicism often being ” but they seemed so happy ” or ” I can’t believe he’d do that ” ” he seemed like such a nice guy “.
Domestic violence doesn’t always mean black eyes and broken bones. Sometimes the signs are subtler and hard for outsiders and acquaintances to spot , but that doesn’t mean they weren’t there or that it didn’t happen.

The Reality of False Domestic Violence and Rape Accusations – and why the inflated perception of these incidences are dangerous and harmful for real victims

Judge criticises teacher and domestic violence experts over ‘hysterical and paranoiac’ approach to abuse allegations Read more: http://www.westernmorningnews.co.uk/Judge-criticises-teacher-domestic-violence/story-21299435-detail/story.html#ixzz35rYPySGK

“Innocent until proven guilty” is a great mantra, when you aren’t a scared, bruised and vulnerable victim of Domestic Violence and/or Rape, and are being turned away from the Police because your statement and injuries aren’t enough evidence to prove crimes, that usually occur in private and behind closed doors (i.e. without independent witnesses present). I have written about police response in relation to Domestic Violence and Rape before on my blog and my experience has been far from satisfactory. My reports were never taken serious, and my cries for help were never answered. . My case isn’t an isolated occurrence, and many women report DV incidences where they were beaten, threatened, abused and/or (sexually) assaulted, only to have the matter NFA’d (No further action taken) by police, because there isn’t sufficient evidence. Those incidences do not mean that a crime didn’t occur, they simply mean, there wasn’t sufficient evidence in the eyes of the law (or inept and careless police officers) .

Similarly, if a charged offender isn’t convicted of the crime he was charged with, it does not mean the crime didn’t occur or he didn’t commit it, it merely means there wasn’t evidence “beyond all reasonable doubt” to convict the offender. The bottom line is: the police and courts aren’t exactly racing to the rescue of victims anyway, leaving them often more vulnerable after making a disclosure that wasn’t taken any further, than before, so citing these statistics each time a victim comes forward is simply not helping.
Often, it isn’t only about obtaining “justice ” for the crimes that have occurred, in many cases victims are in desperate need of protection (i.e. protection injunctions or restraining orders) from their abusers and perpetrators. Help, which is routinely denied, leaving vulnerable victims frequently open to future harm, further assaults and more harassment from their perpetrator.
It is extremely sad that the burden of proof is only on vulnerable victims, often ridding the abusers from any kind of responsibility in the whole judicial process, other than to plead not guilty. It is furthermore extremely concerning, that the courts, (family courts in particular) often fail to recognise Abusers (and downright psychopaths & narcissists) in child contact proceedings. It is downright shocking that upon allegations of domestic violence and rape, minuscule percentages and often inflated and grossly misinterpreted statistic of false allegations are cited in order to discredit the report.

A quick Google search shows the following:
5 out of 8 top search results promote the idea that false accusations are commonplace and a danger for every man who dares to upset a woman. And it comes as no surprise, that the majority of these websites are hosted by men’s rights advocates, father’s rights groups, or men’s advise groups, who are frequently abusing a platform, of what would otherwise be an important and worthy cause, with extremely misogynistic ideas and agendas and frequently deliberately present falsified and misinterpreted data, to support their cause. It is actually incredibly difficult to find credible information sources online, because the first two or three pages, depending on the search terms, are full of websites and forums supporting false data.

The truth is, however, that the percentage of false accusations of rape and domestic violence is almost negligible, and whilst any incident of a false allegation is of course concerning and highly distressing to the falsely accused, in reality they are no higher than in any other crime. This is not taking into consideration that the vast majority of rape and domestic violence crimes will never ever be reported to a police officer because they are both notoriously underreported crimes as it is!

http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/campaigns/false-allegations/

In the period of the review, there were 5,651 prosecutions for rape and 111,891 for domestic violence. During the same period there were 35 prosecutions for making false allegations of rape, six for making false allegation of domestic violence and three for making false allegations of both rape and domestic violence. That equates to 0.6% for rape, or 1 in 161, and an almost negligible percentage for Domestic Violence, which leads to the conclusion, that the ‘Problem of false accusations of Rape and Domestic Violence’ isn’t really a problem at all, except for the myths it creates, which prevent many women from ever reporting their assaults.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/13/false-allegations-rape-domestic-violence-rare
http://ampp3d.mirror.co.uk/2014/02/13/do-we-have-a-significant-problem-with-women-making-false-allegations-of-rape/

So whilst the real figures for false accusations of rape and domestic violence are minuscule, statistics are frequently presented in an incorrect or inflated manner for the purposes of misogynist and anti feminist propaganda, or men’s rights movements who are often the first port of call for any man accused of rape or domestic violence.This is dangerous because Domestic Violence and Rape are serious crimes, which are underreported, aren’t being taken serious enough in the courts and by the police and as a result, victims frequently fall through the cracks and receive no help at all. Clearly, every accusation of rape and DV must be judged on its own merits, and viewed with the appropriate professionalism which would be expected from agencies that would encounter its victims, however, instilling further suspicion and cynicism against victims of those crimes, is going to further harm the already vulnerable and high risk injured party. Inflated statistics and reports of false accounts must be viewed with the appropriate caution, otherwise survivors will be further discouraged from reporting their abusers and perpetrators at what is likely going to be a highly emotional and distressing time in their life. If support agencies are held to a similar standard as the courts before they offer their often vital and life changing support services to a victim the outlook for victims is grim. False allegations of Rape or Domestic Violence aren’t just damaging for the falsely accused, they are also severely damaging to real victims who struggle getting the appropriate support for their situation for fear of not being believed or being called a liar. Reporting something so intimate as rape is a highly emotive subject in itself, that it should be made more difficult through inflated and simply wrong statistics of false accusations.

Sources ;
CPS Research Study into false allegation of rape and domestic abuse and its findings

Click to access perverting_course_of_justice_march_2013.pdf

Newspaper  articles in relation to above studies.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/13/false-allegations-rape-domestic-violence-rare
http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/mar/13/rape-investigations-belief-false-accusations
http://www.marilynstowe.co.uk/2013/03/14/false-allegations-of-domestic-violence-are-rare-according-to-new-study/

http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/campaigns/false-allegations/

http://researcharchive.vuw.ac.nz/handle/10063/759

Open Letters: Dear Detective Inspector B.

I appreciate you taking the time to obtain an expert opinion and I am deeply sorry I keep inconveniencing you by continuing to be a victim of crime!

The police allow a charged rapist and convicted repeat DV offender, who has breached police bail before , to communicate with his victim including such phrases as ” I’ve never been so sad ” & ” I’m a changed man” during ongoing criminal proceedings, because it is TOO HARSH to be dealt with as a breach despite your email clearly admitting IT IS A BREACH!

Should the police feel they ARENT SURE whether the communication was vetted , perhaps they should’ve endeavoured to seek clarification before making a negligent decision.

Your email highlights you are still unsure on many things ( solicitor , no contact order with child ) but blatantly CANNOT be bothered to obtain such evidence to deal with it , because it would be ” too harsh ” to deal with considering the content of the letter.

I’ve been let down time and time again by the police, and now you are rendering my protection orders useless because you feel it’s ” too harsh “, because he wanted to explain himself to preschooler who could never read the letter in the first place.
There is a no contact interim order in place, evidence of which could be obtained if the police could be bothered, but clearly cannot.

You are mocking me as a victim, sympathising with a rapist and showing him mercy despite him clearly abusing the system again, and knowing I was never shown mercy by him.

OpenLetters : Dear West Midlands Police

You have yet again excelled yourself by showing complete and utter neglect, indifference and pure laziness when dealing with a HIGH RISK DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Victim, by not following through with a proven offence because they cannot be bothered with the paperwork and, quite frankly do not care for DV.

Your latest email admits a breach of injunction , restraining order and bail but you feel it would be ” too harsh ” to deal with him on the basis of this breach because he didn’t outright threaten me.

Repeat after me: ” a breach is a breach is a breach ” . No-contact orders mean , no contact – regardless of how …
And sympathising with a Rapist sends the right kind of message to your victim!

West Midlands Police, you should be ashamed of yourselves – you have mocked, ridiculed and further victimised a vulnerable mother with a young child for over three years because of your ineptitude. I am sick to death of dealing with you and your officers and I hope to god, none of your mothers, sisters or daughters ever suffer the treatment I have at the hands of your officers.

Twice you have told me, he would be remanded in custody and put before the next court, twice he has broken bail conditions, restraining orders conditions and injunctions – and twice nothing was done because someone decided it wasn’t bad enough, or worth their time, so you let him off again.

You tell me you basically don’t have enough information to charge him but you don’t , in any way shape or form endeavour to obtain it !

My PROTECTION ORDERS clearly aren’t worth the paper they are written on and until my dead body shows up somewhere in a ditch with sufficient DNA attached to it, you will continue to neglect and fail us.

He got off with a section 20 assault ( grievous bodily harm resulting in wounding with intent ) despite me reporting it and the review into the laziness of your officers, which was promised on three separate occasions ( by a DS, a DC and ADI in writing !) was never carried out.

He got away with assaults over and over again because your officers are lazy and inept. You have put my child’s and my LIFE at risk because of this and I have absolutely had it now.

Who is the Domestic Violence victim in your life ?

Domestic violence affects 1 in 4 women at some time in their life, men can be victims too ( more often in same sex relationships ), so chances are YOU already know someone affected by Domestic Violence. it’s easy to ignore the harrowing statistics of DV and ignore the horror it brings to those affected, until it’s someone you know. So take a look around you and tell me who the DV victim in your life is ?

Linah was alone when the threats became a reality – except for her killer, and their daughter, who saw it all – and no one came in time. It is not only how loud that we shout, but who is there to hear us and who has the power to act.

DV victims are often known to the police and other agencies , often they tried to separate in the past but weren’t successful because they didn’t receive the help they needed to be safe. Reaching out to a DV victim you know and proving non-judgmental practical support could therefore make the difference between leaving the aggressor and abuser or being forced to stay …

More women die this way every year than cyclists are killed on UK roads – yet often their deaths are described as “isolated incidents”. Sometimes violence can be seen before it happens, sometimes it is seen but not talked about, sometimes it is hidden until it explodes, but it is everyone’s problem. It permeates expectations. Up close it awakens us to horror, though for many it is distant and hypothetical. Good intentions alone cannot offer protection

Domestic violence is still a taboo subject. Victims are scared embarrassed and humiliated to reach out and outsiders often become silent bystanders because they are unsure of what to do , or feel like they shouldn’t intervene.
Many underestimate the real danger a victim is in until all details emerge, often long after they finally managed to leave, and then the danger they are in is being underestimated because they have already left, even though most women get killed whilst or after leaving the abuser.

Look around you and don’t become a bystander to DV. Chances are you already know a victim and a perpetrator and could make a difference.

How a Domestic Violence victim falls through the cracks and why they have to go back when those who matter desert them

The terrible story of Laura Aceves, is one of a domestic violence victims, who tried to leave and at the time of her death, has protective order against her former partner in place, protective orders, that weren’t enforced by the local police. As a result of this neglect Laura had to die , in front of her infant child, despite having reached out many, many times before.

Next time you hear someone say
“why didn’t she just leave”, or maybe think it yourself when you hear someone recount their experiences with domestic violence, consider that maybe the victim has reached out and was horribly let down.

” There are many complex reasons why women stay with abusive partners. Leaving can be economically impossible, as well as dangerous. Research has shown that women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner.

Fixating on that question — why doesn’t the woman just leave — reveals a fundamental misunderstanding about the realities of domestic abuse, said Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

“So often, when people say, ‘Why didn’t she just leave?’ the reality is that she did leave, or tried to,” Gandy said. “Often she has reached out for help repeatedly, to the police, to the courts, sometimes to friends or family. Often she has a protective order and he assaults her anyway.”

Having spoken to many DV victims since I left, and knowing my own personal experiences with the system I once trusted to help me, the theme is often shockingly similar.

Police often don’t intervene and let offenders off again and again without charge. They appear lazy and unmotivated when dealing with DV and label and judge victims before knowing their account.
When the victim manages to obtain protection orders, they are often not enforced by the police or the courts, and therefore serve merely as a tool to empower the offender to feel as though he is above the law.

Many victims have strong ties with the offender and receive very little help, to protect their children, or important assets and so are often forced to have contact with the perpetrator after leaving , starting a vicious cycle with no end.

The family court are often reluctant to deal with DV despite extensive research into the terrible way in which it affects children even after the perpetrator has left. Family courts often order unsupervised contact with the offender regardless of previous convictions placing children into further harm and delivering a manipulation and blackmailing tool right into the hands of the abusers who will readily use it.

Asking ” why didn’t she leave”, is plain insulting. One should instead ask, ” why didn’t anyone help her?” Or ” why did he abuse her?”.

No , is a complete sentence !

” No “, is a complete sentence and requires neither explanation nor justification. The absence of ” yes ” means “no”, and is not an implied ” yes”.

No, she was not ‘probably asking for it ‘, if she’d have asked for it she would have asked for it! There are no implied invitations, there is no suggested consent … One should always be 100% clear about consent , if there is any doubt , it was probably not given explicitly …

Women do not ask for it by the way they dress, by how much they drink or whom they date. It matters not if previous sexual encounters happened by consent.

If one party doesn’t express consent, if there is any doubt about consent, if the other party is unable to give consent reliably, – it’s RAPE.

Domestic Violence and (sexual) humiliation

Humiliation doesn’t cause physical harm, so what’s it to do with Domestic Violence?
Everything.

However, this quintessential part of domestic abuse is one not often discussed. It is usually grouped under emotional and/or psychological abuse, but the intricacies are even more forgotten than this aspect of DV itself. For DV survivors the effects of humiliation and degradation have profound consequences and the shame from it usually lasts for years to come. Emotional and psychological abuse, albeit usually the foundation for the abuse (and first stages thereof), all too often take a backseat in criminal and civil court cases, and its effects are routinely underestimated by those responsible for keeping victims safe, despite extensive research which accounts for its devastating consequences.
Many victims live under constant threat, and with constant humiliation and degradation, as those are very effective aides to the abuse. The more shame and embarrassment they experience as a result of the mistreatment, the less likely they are to ask for help or share the details of it, because, after all they would have to tell the tales of their humiliating trauma.
Aside from making the victim feel worthless, useless and unwanted, the humiliation often also makes her feel stupid and embarrassed. The shame of being abused, often in the worst ways behind closed doors, but sometimes also very loudly in public, is one factor keeping many victims silent.

So, let’s talk about humiliation for a change.

To my own horror, the further I get away from the abuse, the more episodes I recall.
I had either suppressed them by sheer force of will to the point of almost forgetting them, or I don’t like to think about them, because they still make me squirm with shame. The worst thing about it is the thought of how readily (and often!) my perpetrator used these tools and how awful they made me feel. I’ve not experienced any domestic violence in 9 months, and yet I am still embarrassed to talk about a few very personal incidences because they make me feel stupid, and worthless. The humiliation and degradation has hurt me worse than the violence ever did!

Once incident, which left me hoping the ground would swallow me, so I would never ever have to encounter a human being ever again, was in public and whilst out for a meal. We’d been arguing about something trivial, and he’d fallen into his usual pattern of blaming me for everything and aggressively swearing, threatening and calling me names in front of our child. I told him to stop treating me like this, and in my defence told him this was ‘abuse’. He laughed right into my face, as a couple walked past and watched our altercation and threatened to ‘smash my face in’ once we got home, then mocked me by putting on a stupid voice saying “Oh no, that’s abuse, right? You gonna end up crying again, like a pathetic little girl? You need to grow up!”. He then grabbed me by my wrists and started hitting me with my own hands. Sounds hilarious right?
I was mortified!! He kept laughing at me, saying “Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself! Is this abuse? Why do you keep hitting yourself? You’ll end up being sectioned!”, as he kept forcing my arms to hit my face again and again. I could have died. The couple turned around curiously, and he faced them to say: “It’s ok, she hasn’t taken her meds today.” I had tears burning in my eyes I was so ashamed, and felt so stupid. He’d made me look like a total idiot, and then he pushed me into the direction he’d wanted me to walk and slapped my head whilst he carried on laughing. There was nothing funny about it. I was shaking badly, and I wasn’t even physically hurt at that point…

At times he spat in my face in public, like I wasn’t even human, and then saw me clumsily searching my bag for a tissue trying to keep some dignity, whilst he growled in my face, threatened me and told me I deserved this. I was too embarrassed to even try and meet eyes with bystanders, let alone ask for help. Other times he threw food at me, spat food in my face or poured food over my head, sometimes just minutes before I was due to leave the house.
Once he cornered me in the kitchen, spat his breakfast in my face and then proceeded to hit me with the towel I was supposed to clean myself with because I looked, as he put it, pathetic, with cornflakes all over my face. Of course this didn’t hurt anywhere else but my pride, but it was deeply humiliating. Every time he’d made a mess like that, it was always me who ended up cleaning it up too… so not only had I been spat at, and food thrown into my face and into the room, I then had to clean it up, whilst he watched.

Other incidences, which left me deeply ashamed, were when he publicly talked about sexual details of his wild past, and always made me out to be frigid and boring in contrast or elaborated in great detail on the few occasions I hadn’t been in his opinion. He would publicly tell everyone who sat still long enough, that I was “crap at giving blowjobs”, for instance, or how I apparently had a preference for “doggie style and couldn’t get off ‘my’ knees” or liked to be “f**ed” in a certain way, or other.
It’s hard to put into words just how degrading and deeply humiliating it was to sit with people and listen to someone, you thought you loved and trusted, talk about you like this, whilst keeping a straight face and not letting on just how upsetting it is. Sometimes I saw other people cringe for me, try and change the subject, sometimes I had looks of sympathy, sometimes the men just hollered at his tales, whilst other times I just sat quietly hoping for the embarrassment of the topic to pass.

Abusers have no empathy for their victims, and their suffering or the emotions that go with it means nothing to them, except to make them more likely to comply in future because their self worth over time becomes completely destroyed.

In domestic abuse where sexual abuse and violence occurs, sexual humiliation is also commonplace.

Abusers demoralise victims by forcing them to perform sexual acts they don’t want to do, or using coercive control or manipulation to gain participation, only to later berate their performance. Perpetrators often argue their demands as a given right in the relationship, i.e.
“You’re my partner, you have to have sex with me”, or “You’re my girlfriend, you should be doing this”, or proclaim how the victim should want to do certain things in order to prove their love – “If you loved me you would …” or “If you don’t …., then that means you don’t love me.”, are usual sentences, as well as threats to end the relationship, or have sex with other partners instead, shifting the blame always onto the victim.

In my case, (when I wasn’t “outright” raped) I was often told, I should count myself lucky he was here with me, and not with the many women he could have, that I should be grateful he wasn’t cheating on me right now and that I ought to work harder to please him sexually.
Being on some sort of probation, depending on my performance was embarrassing and mortifying and not exactly stimulating, and yet all I really wanted to do was engage in a meaningful way with the person I once loved. At the time I sought the fault with me and couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. Everything he took from me with force would have been given freely in other circumstances, but he liked the dominance and he liked my pain.

He found intense pleasure forcing me to pleasure him orally, for instance, being extra forceful and watching me gag, to then berate and belittle me. A few times he forcefully held my head in place whilst he ejaculated and laughed when I choked, gagged and my vision blurred with the tears in my eyes. With his ejaculate all over my face and body he then told me to go and have a wash and called me dirty, filthy and a whore. The humiliation when he then referenced my “poor sexual performance” in front of other was like no other …

He also caused me a lot of body shame, either by publicly proclaiming how other women had “nicer t*ts” than I had, or looked like they could take “c*ck better” than I could, or criticising the way I looked. Again, the reactions from others were mixed, but usually only added to my humiliation.
The blame game and body shame didn’t end here, on a few occasions I dared to menstruate when he wanted to have his way, which often ended in a public tirade of how disgusting women’s periods were, and how he hated blood on his penis. The stress about feeling dirty every month got to me so much, I felt ashamed to menstruate and eventually I stopped having a period altogether for a while.
He’d regularly told me I was dirty, often after he’d just spat at me, or ejaculated all over me, or caused me to bleed, but each time I felt so deeply humiliated by being told to go “and have a wash”, that I ended up with contact dermatitis (irritant dermatitis) and infections from over-washing. To this day I struggle ‘to feel clean’ and over-wash, and feel dirty very quickly.

Being in an abusive relationship is emotionally and physically draining for the victim, because one is not only constantly living under threat, and walking on egg-shells to try and not trigger an episode, or diffuse a situation, whichever way it goes, one is caught in a dilemma.
Refusing to go along with the (sexual) abuse, is likely to result in a physical attack (or rape), emotional blackmail or emotional abuse, but agreeing to whichever demand the abuser places on its victims often causes deep emotional distress, feelings of shame, guilt and disgust in oneself.

The shame caused by the humiliation in Domestic Violence doesn’t stop when the abuse ends. And although psychological and emotional abuse is contained within the definition of Domestic Abuse, and forms the very basis of it, I know of very few cases where it is acted upon legally, let alone acknowledged.

Do not be silent about Domestic Violence

Why women stay in abusive relationships

If only….

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. “
Ernest Hemingway

Many women initially do not truly want to leave the abuser. They only want the abuse and/or violence to stop. It is often too late when they realise that it will only stop when they leave the perpetrator once and for all.
I was one of those women!
I loved him, I was in love with him, and I was in love with the idea of how happy we could be, if only we could sort out a few issues. After all, the relationship didn’t start like this. We were happy. If you met someone exhibiting abusive, coercive behaviour right away, you’d never enter any kind of commitment, would you?

So why do people generally assume, that the relationship was abusive from the beginning, and the victim merely too love-struck, naive or stupid to see it? Like many others, I believed, I could help him. I believed, I could change him (or , maybe that he would change for me, that I was worth changing for). I believed our love for each other was strong enough to conquer all adversities and stand strong eventually.
Abusers do not usually start aggressive behaviour until the relationship has become well established, sometimes not until pregnancy. For 51 % of women, the abuse didn’t start until after their first year, and 30-40% reported the onset of abuse during the (first) pregnancy. And even then, usually the change occurs gradually…
This amazing person you were in love with, you are in love with, suddenly starts exhibiting some terrible personality traits. You were happy, and suddenly you’re not.

Love. Trust. Hope. Loyalty. Commitment. Fear! They all contribute to a woman not leaving the abuse sooner. By the time the abuse starts one is truly in love, emotionally attached and enthralled in the prospective future. When the abuse starts, many women have entered some commitment with the abuser, and are dependent in one way or another. And they are afraid. By the time a woman would start contemplating leaving the relationship because of the violence, they are afraid of the consequences this might bring.
The abuse creeps in. It starts with mood swings, bad arguments. Increasing temper tantrums and sulking, perhaps, as a form of punishment, or maybe withdrawal of affection or acknowledgment.

The abuse is often accompanied with grand apologies, promises it will never happen again, seemingly loving gestures, gifts, pleading, begging, small acts of kindness which seem huge in contrast to the mistreatment. The abuser often taps into the women’s desire to make things work (perhaps for the children), into her loyalty and love for him, and the feeling that if only the abuse and violence would stop, things would be great.

If only.

The below link is a video which talks about one womans experience with Domestic Violence, which answers the question, as to why victims stay in abusive relationships, to a certain extent.

Domestic Violence it’s a men’s issue.

Domestic Violence concerns everyone .

“What about all the boys who are profoundly affected in a negative way by what some adult man is doing against their mother, themselves, their sisters? What about all those boys? What about all the young men and boys who have been traumatized by adult men’s violence? You know what? The same system that produces men who abuse women produces men who abuse other men. And if we want to talk about male victims, let’s talk about male victims. Most male victims of violence are the victims of other men’s violence.”

Jason Katz

In the above video Jason Katz talks about how Domestic Violence is intrinsically portrayed as a women’s issue, ridding men of all responsibility. But whilst we do need Women to be heard, women to speak out about their experiences, and women to fight for their rights, we also need men to take an active interest in the Domestic Violence issue.
Domestic Violence happens!
One in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime (Council of Europe, 2002), that is an estimated 12.9 million incidences (DV not including sexual violence) a year, and whilst Domestic Violence is still one of the most underreported crimes the police received an estimated one call per minute in relation to DV (Walby & Allen, 2004, Dodd et all, 2004, Home Office, 2002). For the year of 2011/2012 it is estimated that 2million adults experienced domestic abuse (CSEW, 2012). What’s more, despite it being notoriously underreported, it is a well known fact that DV victims have the highest rate of repeat victimisation, as opposed to any other crime (Dodd, et all, 2004), and make up 40 % of all female homicide victims, which is on average 2 per week(Povey, (ed.), 2005; Home Office, 1999; Department of Health, 2005.)
Domestic Violence is a serious issue, frequently ends in serious injury and murder, but neither legislation, nor social attitude reflect this. Recent reports recognise it is actually even more difficult to quantify the amount of domestic abuse incidences, because in many cases the abuse is continuous with victims living under constant threat, or occurring at such frequency that it is impossible to separately enumerate them (Domestic Violence Statistics, 2013, House of Commons)

With such shocking numbers and an ever growing increase in reports – why aren’t more men speaking out against Domestic Abuse?

We know Domestic Violence has a profound effect on children. Violence begets violence, and for those who witness it firsthand as a commonplace occurrence the resulting psychological trauma can be severe.
Boys are taught at an early age that it is ok to disrespect other, that ‘no’ doesn’t necessarily means no, that a man has certain ‘rights’ to his woman, and that they should know their ‘place’ in the world. Girls who witness the abuse grow up with self esteem issues and with a higher level of tolerance towards abuse and aggressive behaviour because they have seen it to be commonplace in the home. A father will always be his son’s first hero, and his daughter’s first love, for a child’s love is unconditional. A man who abuses his wife, isn’t just violating her, he is violating and abusing his children every single day by modelling this kind of behaviour.
I touched on social responses to Domestic Abuse in my “What would you do” post, but the bottom line is, it must become socially unacceptable.
Disrespectful talk, or a quick glimpse of anger for no apparent reason in front of others, is often just the sparkling tip of the iceberg, visible to the world, with a whole mountain of abuse and violence beneath it, where no one can see it.

Don’t become a bystander.

Open Letters (3) – I hate who you have turned me into.

Dear D. ,
I hate who you have turned me into!
I didn’t know anxiety until I met you. I didn’t know insomnia, until sleeping in your presence became unsafe and frightening. I didn’t know fear, until you made me so afraid of every step I took, that being scared became second nature.
Before you came into my life, I always knew what I was good at, and was confident in my abilities. Now I question everything. I no longer feel good enough to do those things that I once took pride in. I’m no longer good at those few things I excelled in – those things which defined me to a certain extent, because they made me different from others, and gave me some sort of identity.
You’ve taken my identity.
Who am I now?
I’m trying to find my feet again, but I’m struggling because I’m still so caught up with dealing with the aftermath of our relationship!
You made me feel like I’m worthless. You told me I’m not good enough. Every time I was proud of an achievement you put me down and told me I was showing off or arrogant and that you didn’t like it. You told me I’m nothing special, that I would never achieve my goals, and that I ought to know my place in the world.
My place was with you.
Supporting every move you made, at my own expense, caring for you, breathing my every breath for you, and giving everything up for you. Living for you was my purpose. I loved you, and I thought you loved me too… I thought we lived for each other, defied all odds…
Now I can’t find the balance anymore. I don’t know how to be independent without shutting people out, and being fiercely autonomous in every respect. I don’t know how to be close to someone without depending on them, and I don’t know how to love without wanting to give everything again. It’s all I know!
I let people into my life again, but once they get too close I put up my walls, because I’m scared of letting my guard down. I can’t trust myself – cant trust my judgment…
I don’t know how to be different anymore. I don’t know how to love, without giving myself up completely. I don’t know how to love without pleasing that other person at all cost, except I’m not very good at it anymore. You taught me, that unless I’d do ‘everything’ for love I didn’t truly love. So I did. Not just with you. With everyone -Family and friends! I did things I didn’t want to do, to please them, out of fear of upsetting them, or not showing them I cared enough. I didn’t speak up for myself anymore, and I constantly put myself out for others. I don’t know how to be different anymore. It’s ruining my life, it makes me feel awful, but I don’t know how to be different.
I wasn’t designed to be mistrusting. I am naive! I believe in the good in people. I want to. You taught me otherwise, and that lesson was a hard one to learn. I am at odds with myself, to suspect evil and ulterior motives in everyone now, because it’s not my default position. I’m not naturally cynical, you made me this way.
I have learnt my lessons the hard way, and now, through experience, I am able to play the game. I can handle the people that come prying into my life, I can handle the courts, your defence barristers and everyone else. I can play the game now, and I’m good at it – because I no longer trust anyone. Experience has taught me what I need to say, how I need to act, and so I do… Playing a role, smiling, being strong, putting my face on, soldiering on…
But it’s oh-so-draining.
I’m tired now.
Not the kind of tired I was when I was with you … A different kind of tired.
I feel judged and watched in everything I do and seek approval from almost everyone, because the thought of not pleasing someone makes me feel uneasy and scared. I’m scared because people judge me, because of what you have done! I am being asked why I allowed you to do this, and I am being scrutinised to put right all those wrongs, because if I don’t the consequences could be severe. You don’t even care. You are either blissfully unaware and ignorant, or just plain complacent, whilst continuing on your own agenda with no care for anyone else, but yourself.
You are so utterly selfish!
I am hypersensitive to how people perceive me, how I look, what I wear, whether I’ve gained 2lbs, how I speak, what I say, what ‘they’ might think of me or on the most fundamental level, simply whether I am good enough.
Good enough at being me. Good enough at life.
I don’t think I am.
I don’t think I’m cut out for this. If the whole world is like what you and your family have shown me, then I don’t want to be a part of it.
I’m trying to find my feet again, but I can’t help but think that people silently judge, quietly talk behind my back, and look down upon me in disdain. I can’t see how they wouldn’t. I am not at peace with my situation, how would they be? Even people who are supposed to help make me feel like I’m a burden to them or an inconvenience with my complex case…I’m sorry.
You told me to quit, often, and sometimes I did. Sometimes I clung on to some last shred of my former life in the hope I could retain some of I old identity, but the truth is, I don’t know whether I can anymore. There is still so much going on, and so much to do and to sort out, with absolutely no promise of a favourable result at the end, that the very thought of it is draining what little energy I have left.

Why?
Why did you do all of this, and why do you continue?
Why can’t you just leave us alone now? Why did you want me to quit everything I was ever good at and why did you desperately try to drag me down with you, when you ruined your own life with your narcissistic ways? You have no one to blame but yourself, but you constantly find ways to project culpability on someone or something else. You are where you are now, because of you! You chose this path, now walk on it. You always had a choice, and you always chose wrong. You made your bed, now lie in it!
For once in your life, do the right thing, I implore on you! I know you won’t but I would beg one more time, if it meant I could finally have peace. I have no self respect left, I don’t feel good about myself, and I’m losing my fight.
I know it shouldn’t, but it upsets me, how you blame me for your predicament.
How can you blame me for reporting you? You didn’t leave me a choice!
You blame me for getting an injunction? You would have never left me alone! You broke police bail the minute they released you!
You blame me for getting convicted as a Woman Beater? Three magistrates in a court of law did that! How dare you still say, you didn’t do it? How dare you still minimise it?
You blame me for not being able to see your son? Its three judges in a court of law who decided they aren’t going to take the risk! Why? Because you still lie, still minimise, still self righteously try and force your wants on everyone else.
How can you still convince the people around you, that none of this is your fault? How do you convince them that I deserved this?
Some days I suffer so much that the pain makes breathing difficult. Some days my past – you – haunts me so much that I don’t think I will ever get better… And you just don’t care.
Why?

NO MORE